These last couple of weeks have held all sorts of upheaval for me. I have cried bitterly, then smiled til I thought my cheeks would crack open, then consoled a woman inconsolable at the loss of her child, and another one inconsolable at the loss of her 60 year old home. I have said a couple of goodbyes and still more ‘hi, nice to meet you. I have worked with people that have tempted me to turn to murder and yet others who have made me wish the shifts were 7years instead of hours long. I have been stretched in so many different directions, torn in loyalties, been violated verbally beyond belief, and been validated beyond belief. I feel like I’m on a never stopping rollercoaster sometimes, and am almost afraid to get off lest I throw up my intestines, so bad is the motion sickness.
I know, I sound like the local news nowadays, full of bad news and more interest rate rises and job losses, bear with me a second. I have been forced to make some rather confronting decisions, especially when it was easier to just bury my head in the sand and pretend everything was ok. A good example is my decision to leave what was practically my first real job. You know, the ‘pay the bills, school fees and feed me’ type of job. funny enough, I was happy to bury my head in the sand long after it was evident that my loyalty far outweighed that of the powers that be, you know that place you get to in any relationship, be it with your man, friend, family member, job, tennis club, whatever it is where you know the only way forward is into toxicity or to end it before you get there… well, I was at that place. Funny enough, one idle day I decided to see if there were any other options out there so I decided to canvass six nursing homes and apply for jobs there. Of course, it was an activity borne of boredom (or so I thought) so it could not possibly yield much that is until I got five job offers and one regret. Now in any book, that is a high success rate. Getting to choose between jobs was something I kind of thought would come a lot later in this dream I have elected to pursue, that is fraught with many a self-esteem lowered, as well as many a self-esteem boosted.
Now, this encounter opened my eyes beyond belief, how many times have I remained in a place because letting go was so uncertain, taken abuse that I didn’t have to, taken crap that quite frankly I didn’t have to put up with simply because I was afraid? Do you know how hard it is to let go of a place that you know like the back of your hand to go to some place new and start over, learn over? Add to that my extreme weakness of illogical loyalty and you might be on the way to understanding what am on about. I had to go against what comes naturally to me, and to me, giving up on that job felt like an admission of failure. Something I have always been afraid of (until I got a copy of ‘failing forward’ by john c Maxwell, but that’s a story for another day.
How long have you been in your comfort zone my dear, I don’t care what it is in relation with, but what’s that security blanket you’ve refused to let go even if it has gotten dirty and icky? You know how babies cling to those blankets illogically? That time the blanket looks so dirty you feel physically sick imagining them wrapped in it but they won’t let you even wash it! Go on, you know what I’m on about. whether it’s that pair of shoes that are so well worn you’re replacing the sole the third time around, or that skirt that has the hem coming loose the sixth time around, or that man you keep hoping has finally changed his ways, or that job you keep hoping will give you that pay rise you’ve deserved the last gazillion years, what is that security blanket sweetness? Cos believe me, you need to let it go! Yes, it’s uncertain ahead, I’m not going to lie, but it’s so freeing, so eye and mind opening you will not be sorry. Yes, there will be uncertain days ahead, but believe me, it’s better than being stuck in that rut you find yourself in. you can never start out great, yes, but you can never be great, until you actually start out! John C. Maxwell.
I know I know, I promise to make it shorter and less rumbly next time (lol, see, that’s another rut for me, long ass, rumbly notes.)
For more of her beautiful, sad, witty, and heartfelt writings please visit: http://ciruscorner.blogspot.com/
(In loving memory of Ciru Muchangi. One of the best writers that I know. Rest with the angles my dear friend, until we meet again. Thank you again for leaving behind your beautiful blog. You continue to live through it!)
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